


Nick •°• Something torn

by Luciferstempest



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Episode: s14e01 Stranger in a Strange Land, Men of Letters Bunker, Other, Season/Series 14 Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 02:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16296572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luciferstempest/pseuds/Luciferstempest
Summary: Nick in episode 1 of season 14





	Nick •°• Something torn

"I am glad Lucifer's dead." 

The words seemed to echo endlessly in the cold room for a moment, it stung to hear the words, dare he say a tinge of anger thundered rapidly through him and he looked away from the compassionate hazel eyes that tore into him. 

It wasn't meant as it was received, Sam wanted to be hopeful, tell Nick to be hopeful. The devil that presumably tormented the man for almost ten years was gone, he could pick up the pieces and try again, do it better this time. He could live again. 

Nick however only felt the loss deep within his soul, they were bonded and he was torn away painfully, only the shattered pieces still remain but he knew what was expected of him. He was the vessel, tormented he had to be under Lucifer's will. He had to have witnessed so much, in no way could he have grown to care for the devil and he for him, it should have been impossible. The devil and a human, two broken pieces that had mended together over time, it was absolutely absurd to entertain such notion. 

Nick let out a breath, looking at the ground as he spoke. "Me too." He said softly, giving a short glance towards the Winchester,  feeling guilt wash over him. Sam had been nothing but kind but he could never know what Nick truly felt, no one could ever know the true nature of their relationship. He held it painfully within his own chest. 

Sam looked at the ex-vessel sympathetically, he could only imagine what ten years with him was like, after all he only had a short time with him but he just hoped that Nick didn't see Lucifer's true face like he had that split second they landed in the cage, but truth was Nick had. He wasn't appalled or broken by it, he never held any fear towards the being. He had only wonder. 

He saw the stars line up behind his eyes, an ancient fire burning the very core of his being. There were raging lions and the drowning of seas, an endless rage thundered and it would break any man, but he also felt the soft tapping of rain deep within the night, the loneliness of a thousand moons that hid behind the light. The tender reverie of a mother's love and the longing for a time past. Everything crashing down upon his mortal soul in a single moment. 

What he witnessed that day wasn't something Nick could ever explain but it was something he often thought about, sometimes it felt like his mind would implode when he did think about it but nonetheless he felt honored to had seen it. It had been Lucifer not the facade he had constructed for Nick to protect his mortal wellbeing but the real him, parts he was forced to hide. 

Sam had moved towards the door as Nick stared at the spot on the ground, lost within himself and for the first time in ten years, he found nothing there but himself. It was hauntingly vacant, no extra voice which kept him company and smoothed over his being. No more burning chill he had grown familiar with, it was now achingly warm within his body and he despised it. 

"Nick?" Sam's voice came from the door before he left, prompting Nick to break from his reverie. "It will get better." He assured the ex-vessel. He had been there himself after all. 

Nick stared at the door closing behind Sam, will it though? He contemplated. Could it ever be better after feeling the one thing you had left in the world stripped from you, painfully. To feel their screams within your body and not being able to move in the burning sensation not to mention help him. He should've been stronger, Nick cursed himself from within, the true vessel would have been able to do something, he had been able to overcome Lucifer. Sam would've been able to save him. 

Nick's vision became blurry as a tear trailed over his cheek, he had to accept that Lucifer was gone. He never even contemplated the possibility, he was an archangel. He was supposed to live forever. Nick was the one that was meant to die and briefly he did but with Lucifer back within him he drew breath once more but for what, just to lose him again?

This wasn't how it was supposed to end. He was going to die eventually and end up going to pandemonium, that was the plan. He'd become a creature of hell without reservation, he'd always be by Lucifer's side, but now, now everything went to hell. He didn't even know if angels had a heaven they could go to when they died, not that it mattered. He was still lost to him. 

Nick laid down on the bed, his finger absently twirling the ring on his finger. He couldn't understand why Lucifer kept it when he had changed his clothes after he consented. Respect perhaps, a reminder? It never really occurred to him until now, it was just something Nick could see and hold onto as he adjusted to his new life as a vessel. It was comforting and it reminded him of their goal, why he said yes. 

But what was left for him here now. Lucifer gave him purpose and belonging, both which he lacked at the moment, he had grown dependent on the angel and for years he just basked in the glow of the fallen angel, listening when he spoke and not needing to care for things he now needed to do to survive, things he didn't want to do. He didn't want to survive. 

He didn't eat, he barely slept. He had nightmares, not of what Lucifer did as Sam had assumed but of the exact moment Lucifer was ripped from him. It played over and over within his head whether he was awake or asleep and he tried to force himself to think of happier times but it only made the reality come down on him so much harder. Occasionally he'd force himself to think of Sarah, the pain he felt to think of her seemed to pale in comparison to what he felt when he lost Lucifer and it always came circling back to that very moment. 

He felt guilty, he knew he loved Sarah and their daughter but Lucifer, that was an entirely different set of emotion that was awoken, perhaps it was codependency or that he was a celestial being, all he knew for sure is the inability to breath whenever he relived the moment of his fallen angel's departure. 

It made him think of their first meeting, how Lucifer had promised him peace. How they talked of injustice, and an injustice Lucifer's death was. He was trying to be better, move past the effects of the mark, that much Nick knew. He was trying to be the father he never had. 

Nick took a determined breath, this was an injustice that needed to be rectified. He would give Lucifer the peace he gave Sarah, he would avenge his slaughter and maybe then he'd be able to join him but not before he made sure everyone that had a play in Lucifer's death was dealt with, he was a mere human but his will was strong and deal with them he did, after all, who would suspect Nick the broken ex-vessel could bring down the house of cards that held the world together.


End file.
